Relationships

I know very little about the relationships between men and women.  I know about sex, but it isn't the same.  I am trying to learn, but I am lost and have no idea where to go to understand.  When I was very yong, I thought you just had to give love in order to get love back.  What a fairy tale that is.  It seems to be mostly about manipulation that occurs between the two people involved.........relationship politics.  It is a complex thing and I am too simple to grasp it concepts, much less exercise them.   It seems so easy for most people.  Why is it such a disaster for me?

A Mighty Wind

They talk about highs and lows and pressure gradients.  All I know is that the wind is amazing.  I was walking at 5:30 this morning.  It was cool, but not cold.  The waning moon was shining high overhead and the wind whipped the trees into a frenzy as I walked my 1.2 miles around the blocks in my neighborhood.  The wind was fierce and invigorating.  I breathed deeper and lifted my face boldly as I moved against its force.   I finished my walk with regret.  I was not afraid of all that power.  For that brief space of time, I was part of it.

Oh, world, I cannot hold thee close enough.....

I feel more joyful each and every day.  I am contented, in love with life, and fit comfortably inside my skin.  I am constantly growing intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and changing moment to moment.  I embrace life and love and laughter.  I await the future in anticipation, secure in the belief that life is good, souls are beautiful, and all things are possible. I am filled with a cornucopia of feelings and can hardly find expression for them.  Be patient with me, O World, I am a work in process.

Free to see and feel and be...........

Today was an extraordinary day.  It was so special because I was able to put down a burden I have carried for a lifetime.  With help, I put it down and walked on.  I was able to examine it, pack it up and place it out of the way.  I will not forget it.  I will not suppress it.  The really important thing is that it no longer has the power to hurt me.  For that gift, I am more grateful than I can say.  I see more sharply, hear more clearly, feel more intensely, and have slowed my continuous run to an appropriate walk.  This way I will not miss the important things in my life or the lives of those I love.  There is no overwhelming sense of urgency, no sense that time is running away from me.  I am in the here and now and tomorrow will have to take care of itself.

Dream a little dream.......

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. again this morning.  The cause was a living color, more real than real, flash back forty years in the past.  I could hear the sounds and feel the pain and fear as I experienced it.......... survived it, all those years ago.  I started to remember the details I had blocked out for so long.  I had to take Ativan just to face getting dressed and driving to the doctor's office.  All of the missing pieces began falling into place.  However, it isn't over yet.  I told them I was afraid to go to sleep.  They ordered a really strong sleeping medication and increased the amount of Ativan I have to take for the next thirty-six hours.  Thursday morning I will undergo a therapy that should resolve the emotional trauma and resulting complications.  As I take my sleeping pill, I lift my water glass in a toast and pray for no dreams tonight.

Escape into sleep..........

Tonight I am incredibly tired.  I woke up this morning at 3:30 and just could not go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried.  I am, what my mother used to call, "bone weary".  Such major fatigue magnifies, many times, the severity of the angst I feel and I am experiencing anxiety on several levels.  There is anxiety related to job responsibility......some about financial things.........about the lawn getting mowed........more anxieties about the difficulties of my friends........and a whole lot that has to do with remembering the past.  Normally, I am better at managing my emotional response to circumstances.  However, if you throw in the fact that the moon is full and we just went back to EST, I should probably just get in the bed and pull the covers over my head.

When the saints go marching in.....

Today was All Saints Day.  Believe it or not, we opened with a really jazzed up version of "When the Saints Go Marchin' In".  I couldn't believe it, but we sounded really hot.  We were so good, we got applause.   I felt great about it even though I was a little unsure of myself with all of the new music.   Everyone was friendly.  I had been asked to stay for the noon mass.  It turned out there were only six of us, including the pianist and the director.  The director, Marianne, gave me a music stand and my own microphone.  It made me very self-conscious.  I was praised over and over again and I, who can talk about anything without becoming embarrassed, was so embarrassed, it made me cry.  Thus was my debut in the choir.