All Hallow's Eve

For the first time in nearly ten years, we decorated for Halloween and I dressed up.  So did MaryBeth.  In a neighborhood where, historically, there have been only one or two children calling at our door for candy, we had dozens.  We were out of candy in less than an hour.  We made photos of ourselves and emailed them to everybody.  We had a great time.

I am looking at the Halloween full moon in my eastern window and it is beyond beautiful.  As I sit here, I sing moon songs quietly.  Most of them have no words, only melodies in minor keys, as is appropriate for the goddess who presides over the mysteries of the night.  I watch her as she climbs the night sky chasing after the sun.

Make a joyful noise.....

Last night was my first time back in the choir in nearly ten years.  Participation is a part of my penitent return to the church.  I left in anger and pain that I had accumulated over the years.  I discovered there was a new choir directoress and a completely new choir.  I don' know why I was surprised, ten years is a long time.  I also discovered that they were doing new music written by new composers and that there was very little traditional stuff.  Not only that, but the program is complex and ambitious, so we will be meeting two nights a week instead of one to prepare for the holidays.  There are only two other altos besides me, so we definitely have our work cut out for us.  In spite of these factors and in spite of my multitude of personal problems including the "crisis de jour", I was actually glad to be there.  I think that God's favorite instrument is the human voice, but I have not sung for years........ not even in the shower.  Believe me when I tell you that this instrument needs a lot of tuning.

When the past rises up.....

Sometimes the death of a loved one is the impetus for change.  Most people do not change fundamentally without a crisis.  So it is with me.  Along with the obvious grief and stress of dealing with the death of my mother, came the resurrection of ancient memories connected to a tragedy long ago forgotten.......memories buried so deeply that they could not be brought to consciousness by any other means.  With the reclaiming of these terrible memories, hopefully, will come the release of underlying pain, fear and sorrow, and, perhaps, even a bit of guilt.  My responsibility in this event was based on my own incredibly bad judgement........as though I had invited it to happen.  But I did not ask for what happened to me, nor did I deserve it.  I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I was the victim of a person unknown to me who was so filled with rage that the only outlet he could find was to beat me into submission and rape me nearly to death.   Now, forty years later, I have to do the work of building a bridge to the past to allow those memories to move forward.  Only by confronting them can I take away their power to hurt me.

                                            

Witchy Women, they've got the moon in their eyes...........

Once upon a time men believed that all women were witches.  They had absolutely no understanding of why these weaker, dependent creatures could exercise such influence over them........could persuade them to risk their lives to feed and clothe them, protect and house them, as well as their offspring, which inevitably arrived on the scene after they began playing the really fun games that women knew how to play.  Since men were stronger and smarter and had a close relationship with God, they realized that women had to be doing something magical to them to get them to do the really stupid things women wanted them to do.  Since men did not know how to do this magic and women did, it had to be evil.  Strong social restrictions were established regarding women and many women were lost as a result of them.  Women sought an alliance with Mother Nature for protection from men.  This is the way religion started.

But let us cultivate our garden.....

There is a lesson to be learned from our favorite philosopher, Dr. Pangloss.  It is not so much that optimism is the cure for depression, but that perception is reality.  Truth is, therefore, subjective and relative as opposed to objective and absolute. That certainly makes the circumstances of fate a lot easier to endure.

Agnus Dei

I walked through the doors of the church, dipped my fingers in the holy water at the door, and made the sign of the cross:  forehead (Father), heart (Son), left shoulder (Holy), right shoulder (Ghost).  I took a bulletin, the news network of the parish, and sought a seat near the choir.  On my way there a rather tall gentleman, probably not much older than me, said hello and walked beside me.  He welcomed me to the church and as I found my seat, he moved on to the choir pit.

As the mass began, memories flooded back......the words, the music......the Alleluia, the Gloria, the Agnus Dei.....Oh, Lamb of God, You who take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us and grant us peace.
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Ghost.  As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end.  Amen.....Amen.  Priest: Lift up your hearts to the Lord  Congregation:  We have lifted them up to the Lord. Congregation:  It is right to give Him thanks and praise.   Priest:  This is the Lamb of God.  Happy are we who are called to His supper.........This is my body, given up for you .....in the new and everlasting covenant.......I bid you peace.  My peace I give you.....Go forth to love and serve the Lord.

Let me be a shield upon thy heart for I am the gift that God has sent.

I will always be here..........

As the sun and the moon are always predictably present, so am I.  As we all rest in God's love, so you rest in mine.  I offer myself as your equal and I extend my hands and my heart in willing tribute to our friendship. Compassion and understanding are my strength and my armor.  I am a foundation built by God and secured by Him.  I am a rock upon which you can rest, a stream at which you may drink. I am nourishment to the body and soul and like warm honey, my love is sweet and comforting.