Now it begins

Now it begins...this process of life-change.  Not "change of life" which is a natural process, but the events whereby my life becomes different from what it was.  I have gone through it a lot in the last year.  The biggest change to date was my mother's death last August.  I didn't know I hated her and then I did know.  Surprisingly, for someone I hated, I let her affect my life and personality a great deal.  Then there were other changes.  The really big one is looming before me.  I am about to begin the process of losing my home.  I have lived at this place longer than any other in my entire life.  I love it so much that the prospect of losing it causes me grief so unmanageable that I cannot keep the pain from bleeding though into almost every conscious moment.  I just cannot compartmentalize it fast enough..   My business is finding miracles for other people.....helping them with their lives.  It is, at the very least, irony of the first magnitude.  Like Saint Bernadette, when it was proposed to take her to the Grotto at Lourdes, she refused saying, "...the spring is not for me..."  It would seem that I cannot work my own miracles.  It is not that I am lazy, nor am I a defeatist, so I will try my hardest to alter this destiny.  Who knows...maybe God will help this time.

I wish I was certain of how to spell vicissitudes correctly.....

I have told myself I will not be like the village of pearl divers with their homes on the beach and no windows to the sea.  They had no windows facing the ocean because they did not want to see the vast water of the tsunami reaching out to sweep everything, including them, away.  I will not do the avoidance behavior thing...not confronting what I fear.  I will not ignore what is happening.  I will take charge of the situation and do the necessary......whatever that turns out to be.  I am not afraid.....just sad.