Why can't I understand?

I wanted to write about how and why I love you, but I am profoundly not able to do that.  We became "reacquainted" over a year ago.  You told me early on that you had nothing to give.  I really thought that this was all about "things"......money, assets, financial interests.  That was why I told you I did not need to be married.  I knew what I had been told by first, Patsi, then you, about your life.  I knew how devastating the events you had been through can be.  I know first hand about financial, physical and emotional devastation. I have been to all of those places, had all of those experiences and more.  Each time, I have come back stronger.  I have started over more times than I can tell you and more times than I want to remember.  Except for this time.  I want to start over with you.  I want this to work and I want us to be together forever.......or as much of forever as may be practical to expect.  What I don't know is how to get you see it the same way I do.  I don't really know how to successfully encourage you to come close to me.  Sometimes I feel so inept and clumsy.  I weep at my lack of skill.....or my unworthiness.  Surely, if I were really worthy and deserving, you would love me back and would want to spend your life with me.  Surely...........surely......I could not be so wrong.......again..

I don't know how to explain it

I love the physicality of you....the fact that you are strong, but I don't want you to carry heavy boxes for me.  I love your body, but not just because we make love.  You are the brightest, most astute and interesting man....person.....I have ever known in my entire life.  You appreciate and understand so much that it amazes me.  And yet, you listen to me.....that...blows me away.  You have incredible talent.....you have artistic vision and a real soul.  I love your mind, your intellect, your humor, your compassion......your sense of fairness and honor, your generosity of spirit, your willingness to share.
I am  certain there is a better way to say it, but I don't know what it is.

Out of Control

I am out of control.  I have been all day.  Actually, I have been out of control for a while now....weeks, months.  I was in control until April, maybe into May, but it has gotten to be terrible for the last two weeks.  Why?  I am not certain.  Someone once wrote that control was an illusion.  Not exactly true.  There is nothing illusory about self-control.  In any given nano-second you either have it or you don't.  Sometimes, it isn't a character flaw, it is just incredible fatigue or outlandish stress.  There are folks who are never self-controlled.  Those are the ones who have the character problem.  That problem isn't really fixable.  For most of us, rest up and take the pressure off and we get where we are supposed to be.  We can even manage our crises with self-control.  Sometimes we need coping skills that are beyond the mundane, run-of-the-mill "aromatherapy" and "soft music" tools.  Sometimes the re-institution of our self-control is not a 1-2-3 snap-to-it command, it may be a slow, deliberate process.  Whichever it is, please let it happen soon.