Hail, Mary........

As I prepare for the ritual that will precede my seriers of "Nitty-Gritty" photos, I am reminded of how unhappy I have been in my life and how desperately I want happiness here at the end of it.  It has to do with relationships.  I have never had a successful relationship.......I never really had a relationship based on anything except mutual need and that was when I was married.  For once...just once in my life I want him to feel about me the way I feel about him.  Maybe it is a process.  Perhaps, being patient is the key.  Will he ever trust me?  Will I ever be the person with whom he wants to spend more than an occasional  week-end? Will he ever really want me to be more than a nightly phone call?  When this began, I thought I knew what I wanted out of it.  I thought it might be dedicated to my re-discovery of the sensuality of life...something I had denied myself for twenty years.  Then it turned into something very different.  I fell well and truly in love with an old flame.....THE first and only old flame, actually.  I suppressed so much of my life for so long, I didn't know how to live any other way.  Now, I have had a taste of what life can really be like and I am reluctant to give up its pursuit.  Holy Mother of God, have I not sacrificed enough? Am I really so undeserving?  Ave Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis.

Talking to God

Like most people, I talk to God.  As I have grown older, I seem to do it more and under much less provocation than in my youth.  It used to be that I would get to a place of panic, fear and/or desperation and I would start talking to God right out loud trying to cut a deal.  I suspect I am not the only one.  As time passed and I got more time and experience under my belt, fewer things made me panicked, fearful or desperate.  I was much more capable than I was at twenty, thirty, even forty or fifty.  Now it comes down to moments of trying to ponder the imponderables.  Why God, do you allow anyone to suffer, but most of all the innocents?  Why do you allow the closest thing to your own divinity here on Earth to seek the extermination of others with equal claim to divinity?  Why do you visit the sins of the fathers on the sons?  Why must the punishment for the loss of Paradise be eternal?  Why can we not learn to truly feel and exercise compassion towards all living things without conditions and exceptions?  O God, Creator of the Universe, speed our evolution toward our own divinity that we might be worth loving and saving.  Let us prove that worth not just in words, but in deeds.

An idle mind.....

Just when I think I have it all figured out, I don't.  I get devastated every time that happens.  You would think that I would learn.  I would think that I would learn.  Is it because I want to believe something so badly that any evidence at all of anything becomes supporting evidence that what I want to believe is true?  I thought only children did that.  Surprise!  Why am I so far behind the learning curve here?  It is not just about figuring things out.  Why is everyone I know armed with the knowledge of how to get what they want out of life, and I am not?  Am I defective somehow and nobody told me?  Was there a meeting to which I was not invited?  I am not really whining.  I don't think there is an answer to any of those questions.  I think some people can and some can't......some people know and others don't......some people live and others watch.

The Extraordinary Man

His name is Robert.  He is my greatest friend as well as the person I love.  He has a strong character and moral center with a deep-seated belief in a higher power.  He is an artist, philosopher, intellectual, philanthropist and survivor.  He is generous of spirit, compassionate, understanding.  He is wise, witty, erudite, extremely well-read and seriously articulate.

His art speaks volumes of his ability, sensitivity, and judgement.  He is strong and capable, open and honest.  Practically, the first thing he will tell you is that he is an alcoholic.  He has been in recovery for more than twenty-five years.  The thing about it is that while alcoholism is the chronic disease he successfully deals with everyday, it is not who he is.  He, quite simply,  is the most extraordinary man I have ever met.

The Value of Women

We place so much emphasis on "manhood" because, in spite of his slightly smaller numbers, he is the dominant gender in most species.  He is the inseminator in the procreative act, but plays no really integral role in bringing the result to the light of day.  In most cultures, he is valued far above the female and women willingly subject themselves to his rule.  I used to resent that, mostly because I had trouble with authority figures, generally, and did not relate well to men, specifically.  I didn't relate well to women either, but that was primarily because I thought they should know better.....that as women, they should have a clear and concise understanding of the unacceptable position in which men placed them.......somewhere behind the family donkey.  Women are the creatures upon which ALL societies are founded and maintained.  They should be elevated and honored in every culture.......not because they are worth more than men, but because they are equal to them.

Who am I?

That is the hardest question in the world to answer.  You would think it should be the easiest.  My feelings and understanding about myself change from moment to moment.  That isn't instability.  It is being open to new ideas, new concepts, new feelings about life and yourself.  If what you believe is who you are then it is important to be prepared to change attitudes.  It makes us able to evolve and adapt.........which is the most significant survival skill we have.  But we, as human beings, want more from life than just the ability to survive.  We believe we deserve a "quality" to our lives.  I believe that is a God-inspired concept......an effort to distinguish man from all other creatures because we most resemble God in apprehension.  I am convinced that God gave man a brain not just for the purpose of operating an organism and continuing the species, but to put us in touch with divinity........His and ours.

The progress of a work in progress........

I love the language of Carol King's "Tapestry":
     "My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue, an everlasting vision of the ever-changing view, a wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold, a tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold."

How very much has that tapestry been my life.....still is.  Like any magical, woven work, sometimes it unravels, either intentionally or accidentally, and re-weaving has to be done.  Thank God, we get the opportunity to correct some of our mistakes.  The fabric is always stronger for the re-working and it develops a sort of patina that only loving hands dispensing goodness and mercy can achieve.

The single greatest influence in my life has been my friend, Robert.  I am certain he has no idea that this is so and might even argue the point, but he would lose that argument.  He is a man of intellect, sensitivity, artistic talent, understanding, patience, compassion, tenderness, humor, insight and gentleness.  What I have both gained and lost through him and because of him are the things that forged me into a woman with a limitless compassion, an untiring determination, an amazing understanding, an incredible thirst for knowledge, a compelling need for expression as well as the burgeoning ability to do so intelligently, a desire to be generous with my usefulness, and an unending, overwhelming love for the one man who opened a door for me so long ago and invited me through it.