Hail, Mary........

As I prepare for the ritual that will precede my seriers of "Nitty-Gritty" photos, I am reminded of how unhappy I have been in my life and how desperately I want happiness here at the end of it.  It has to do with relationships.  I have never had a successful relationship.......I never really had a relationship based on anything except mutual need and that was when I was married.  For once...just once in my life I want him to feel about me the way I feel about him.  Maybe it is a process.  Perhaps, being patient is the key.  Will he ever trust me?  Will I ever be the person with whom he wants to spend more than an occasional  week-end? Will he ever really want me to be more than a nightly phone call?  When this began, I thought I knew what I wanted out of it.  I thought it might be dedicated to my re-discovery of the sensuality of life...something I had denied myself for twenty years.  Then it turned into something very different.  I fell well and truly in love with an old flame.....THE first and only old flame, actually.  I suppressed so much of my life for so long, I didn't know how to live any other way.  Now, I have had a taste of what life can really be like and I am reluctant to give up its pursuit.  Holy Mother of God, have I not sacrificed enough? Am I really so undeserving?  Ave Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis.