Dancing with the Moon

The gibbous moon is waning again and he has gone home until next month.  It was my birthday and he came to help me celebrate being 63.  I thought my life was over when we met again two years ago, but he has taught me that it most decidedly is not......that, in fact, it is breath-taking in its continuation and magical in its presence.  He has taught me so much of value and I have shared my wisdom with him.  It is the most joyous time of my life.  Thank you, Robert. 

In my dreams.......

When I was a very young girl.....an eternity ago.......I believed all of the fairy tales, that there were Princes Charming, Heroes in the Seaweed, Happy Ever Afters, All Things Bright and Beautiful.  I believed because I was supposed to believe.  Oh, how shocking when I began to have an inkling that all was not well in Paradise and the promise of  "A Fairy Tale" life was a promise that could not be kept for me.  As I advance in years, I look backward....over my shoulder, as it were...and find the descriptive of my life peppered with words like "shameful", "sordid", "deceitful", "tragic", "wasted", ":loveless", "painful", "unhappy", "bitter", "useless", "empty"....etc.  Is it any wonder that as I approach the shorter half of life, I begin to realize that there are vast areas of issues that will never be resolved and that I shall go to my grave much as the Mayor of Casterbridge, instructing that no bell toll for me and my name be forgotten.  How sad to feel so unworthy.

Song of Susannah- I love you

It is an all-encompassing love that cares for every aspect of you.  It is not blind to fault, but accepting of the fact that we are all flawed.  Although it has great depth and richness, is wide-reaching and strong, it does not suffocate, nor over-whelm .  It liberates and up-lifts.  It does not seek to control, but to inspire.  It has no subtlety, but it does have texture and nuance.  Such love defends and strengthens, but does not over-shadow or enable.  This love has serenity and peace, but also fire and passion.......and wisdom.  This love has wisdom as its cornerstone and maturity as its foundation. It is quiet and compassionate, understanding and gentle.  This love has honesty and wit, humor and hopefulness.  It is experienced, but innocent, devoted, but fiercely independent and based in the love of God and His love of us.  It is tangible and real, loyal and faithful, tender and trusting, durable and enduring.

Two kinds of women and they are both me

There are times when I feel dazed and shy, overwhelmed by your presence.......when I need you to take me by the hand and lead me somewhere safe.......hold me within the protection of your own space......when all I know is that I want to submit.........that I need to give way.......to yield.........to disappear inside you........to feel encompassed, body and soul.  In those moments I am a woman merged with the love I bear you and the love I receive from you.  I am quietly, gently, and joyously complete.  Then there are times when passion overcomes me and I am like a warrior-woman of old, untamed and wild.  I cry out in the all-consuming heat and thrash about demanding that you exhaust me into release.  While both of these women are me, I have no control over either of them.  No one......no one knows them, but you.....no one but you will ever know them.  Both of them love you.

Why can't I understand?

I wanted to write about how and why I love you, but I am profoundly not able to do that.  We became "reacquainted" over a year ago.  You told me early on that you had nothing to give.  I really thought that this was all about "things"......money, assets, financial interests.  That was why I told you I did not need to be married.  I knew what I had been told by first, Patsi, then you, about your life.  I knew how devastating the events you had been through can be.  I know first hand about financial, physical and emotional devastation. I have been to all of those places, had all of those experiences and more.  Each time, I have come back stronger.  I have started over more times than I can tell you and more times than I want to remember.  Except for this time.  I want to start over with you.  I want this to work and I want us to be together forever.......or as much of forever as may be practical to expect.  What I don't know is how to get you see it the same way I do.  I don't really know how to successfully encourage you to come close to me.  Sometimes I feel so inept and clumsy.  I weep at my lack of skill.....or my unworthiness.  Surely, if I were really worthy and deserving, you would love me back and would want to spend your life with me.  Surely...........surely......I could not be so wrong.......again..

I don't know how to explain it

I love the physicality of you....the fact that you are strong, but I don't want you to carry heavy boxes for me.  I love your body, but not just because we make love.  You are the brightest, most astute and interesting man....person.....I have ever known in my entire life.  You appreciate and understand so much that it amazes me.  And yet, you listen to me.....that...blows me away.  You have incredible talent.....you have artistic vision and a real soul.  I love your mind, your intellect, your humor, your compassion......your sense of fairness and honor, your generosity of spirit, your willingness to share.
I am  certain there is a better way to say it, but I don't know what it is.

Out of Control

I am out of control.  I have been all day.  Actually, I have been out of control for a while now....weeks, months.  I was in control until April, maybe into May, but it has gotten to be terrible for the last two weeks.  Why?  I am not certain.  Someone once wrote that control was an illusion.  Not exactly true.  There is nothing illusory about self-control.  In any given nano-second you either have it or you don't.  Sometimes, it isn't a character flaw, it is just incredible fatigue or outlandish stress.  There are folks who are never self-controlled.  Those are the ones who have the character problem.  That problem isn't really fixable.  For most of us, rest up and take the pressure off and we get where we are supposed to be.  We can even manage our crises with self-control.  Sometimes we need coping skills that are beyond the mundane, run-of-the-mill "aromatherapy" and "soft music" tools.  Sometimes the re-institution of our self-control is not a 1-2-3 snap-to-it command, it may be a slow, deliberate process.  Whichever it is, please let it happen soon.